On the road
5 Gingemes, 333
Fate
In the deep night, with its backdrop of distant, rustling leaves and singing crickets and the occasional night call, as well as the steady, even breathing and heartbeats of the sort of deep slumber that tends to come with the wee hours, there's a shuffle and shifting. Soon, the sound of fabric sliding over fabric is replaced by the sound of foot against forest floor, albeit somewhat more quiet, careful, and deliberate.
Someone is awake, it seems, to Daina's alert senses.
Their warmth moves through the camp, then moves past the edge of the circle of what had once been firelight, padding somewhere beyond the tree line.
Daina
tilts her head on her pillow and waits for sounds of 'privacy' sort of things. If none is picked up then she gets curious and seems to almost slither out of her own bed to stalk after the warmth that had left their camp. Glancing around she tries to pick out who'd gotten up and left as she carefully makes her way out of the camp a bit.
Fate
After a moment, the padding stops near a tree and changes to further quiet, subtle shifting. For a while, there's nothing, no other sounds save this errant pulse which pounds quicker than the rest, and the rest of the forest's murmur, proceeding unaffected.
Through the camp, the little rolls of sleeping forms seem to slide by to Daina's stealthy cadence. Slavina. Janin. Ilvers. Chauncy. Aaren. Aurika. Esta. Only one empty bedroll, apart from Daina's.
At the edge, a new sound slips through the serene night air, hardly even disturbing it. The sound of sharp, stuttered breathing. Out-out-out-out... in-in-in... out-in... out-out... sniff.
That is the unmistakable sound of crying. The kind of crying that's trying too hard to be noiseless.
Daina
Daina slows her step and when she's still out of sight but likely not out of ear shot. She quietly sing says. "need alone time?... I don't mind giving company or hugs or... an ear" she murmurs as she leans against a nearby tree but on the other side of it. Keeping some sense of privacy.
Fate
The sound stops. For a moment it's a tight, searching silence.
"I dunno..." Kelly's voice crawls under the forest's chorus, unobtrusive. Even so, it's equal parts resigned, bereft, and lost.
It's followed by another shifting as Kelly curls on himself and more crying, partially muffled by his knees.
Daina
Looking down at the grass and dirt a moment Daina considers and then decides if he wants her to go he can say as much. She walks carefully over and sinks down next to him. Side by side she extends and arm around him and gives a light tug to indicate he can lean on her, if he wishes.
Suddenly she's not so guilty about that guard ending up dead. People that did this... shouldn't be around to do more harm. Her face scrunches a moment as she pushes that away and focuses instead on the person in pain next to her. Reaching over she sort of pets his hair away from his face. "I want to say soothing things like... 'it'll be ok' but I never went through what you did..." she sighs quietly after the snatch of song left her. Her body language open but not, she hopes, intrusive.
Fate
For a while, Kelly is just a tight ball under her arm, his only movement being his shaking sobs. He even seems unresponsive to her inviting tug.
But then, after she speaks, he tightens and curls towards her a little—still a ball, but leaning against her, turned towards her, just a little. His weeping wracks him harder until it finally comes out in a, "I wanna go home." His voice is broken, no longer trying to be part of the serenity around them.
Daina
Daina sits quietly with him as he cries, not having the words to help she can only offer comfort in her presence. She hears his words and despite the almost discordance of them in the quiet she doesn't stiffen. Instead she nods a little. "I ... can definitely understand that." her brow furrowing a little. "I ... well I won't try to influence you one way or the other... but... if you are set on going home maybe Frankie can help you get there faster or perhaps I can somehow... " She pauses "I'll miss your company and skills but the most important thing is for you to recover. I wish we'd reached you sooner, I'm sorry for that." She gives his stiff frame a soft hug that is soon let go if he remains tense.
Fate
He lets out a choked laugh. "Skills?" After a hard swallow he speaks again, softer. "I'm useless. I've been useless this whole time." He lets out another sob, takes in another sniffle. "I can't even stop wallowing in self-pity anymore." There's another taut moment at he struggles for control before he says, "I don't know why you and Aaren let me come along in the first place."
Daina
Daina frowns at that "you saved Slavina's life... Esta came to you and trusted you... that's just some big stuff. You're always there to help us if we need it and ... we love you and love having you around." she pauses then. "You've had a very bad experience... I ... can't imagine it, and you are perfectly entitled to time to recover. I'll support what you want to do be it stay or go. I just want you to heal... inside ya know?" a light squeeze with the one arm around him.
Fate
Kelly draws away from his knees to regard Daina directly, almost angrily. "I didn't, though. Slavina caught herself. All I did was tackle her once she was already safe. And if I hadn't saved Esta's life, she probably wouldn't have trusted me any more than Janin or something. And anyhow the way I saved her life was fuckin' stupid. I should've just waited for Aaren to get the trout to puke her up instead. It probably wouldn't even have taken as long too." There's a hard edge to his tone now, hard and bitter and still stretched thin by grief. Before it can get too intense, though, he turns away to stare at some indeterminate point into the night. After he takes a moment to breathe, he adds, more level, "I'm not gonna go. If I go back I'll be even worse than useless—I'll be someone who gives up on really important things just 'cause they got hurt."
Daina
Daina pauses a moment "You ... ok like maybe I didn't see it the same way but what you did was incredibly brave in both cases... you are courageous and even if you decide you need to go home I'll still believe that." Her brow furrows a little. "If you want to stay I'm behind it... but ... Kelly you didn't just get hurt it wasn't a broken leg or something like that" she growls a little in the next words "Someone hurt you and it's ok not to be ok after something like that." She takes a breath and exhales to calm herself a little. She was still touchy about it and it hadn't even happened to her!
Fate
Kelly tightens again. "So what!?" There's an edge that sounds something a little like hysteria. "So what if I'm courageous? What good is that if all that does is make me do stupid things before anyone has a chance to do something better? What good does that do when I'm locked up somewhere with my shoulders and knees broken? Huh!? And so what if someone else hurt me? I'm okay now, aren't I? And I'm never gonna see those people again! It pretty much means jack shit! I might as well have skinned my fucking shins!" He takes in a breath, which hops in his throat. More sobbing breaks free, spilling from him uncontrollably and noisily now.
Daina
Daina winces slightly but doesn't withdraw. "Because some day it might be that we need your courage and quick to action bravery. A better idea might have been had but what if it hadn't and then the trout would be likely dead and Esta possibly as well." She sighs a little. "because being hurt by another person like that... it just can't be the same as a scraped knee. It can't be something that is forgotten once the pain is gone because... it's not just the body that is hurt. The soul is harmed by actions like that... and there is no shame in having such pain, or in taking care of it, taking care of yourself." she pauses a moment and as he sobs she sighs and gives a bit of a firmer tug. "You don't need to be ... made of stone or perfect... you need to be yourself." she pauses "You saved us all from being hit with that doll... and that was because you've been given a gift and even as a tike you used it to save people." she smiles "you might not see yourself in such a light but you're really special and before you correct me... I'll have to disagree with you and I don't wanna fight ya" she lightly squeezes him.
Fate
He offers no response, now utterly overcome by weeping.
Daina
Daina falls silent and just sits with him quietly, holding him carefully watchful for signs she should retreat.
Fate
It's a long time before his wracking sobs become trembling whimpers become sniffling quietude. Inch by inch, muscle by muscle, he loosens to an exhausted and half-hearted equilibrium between comfort and protection. It's longer still before he finally says, "Thanks for the hugs, Daina. And sitting with me." His murmur is controlled, relaxed, but soft and shattered.
Daina
She smiles a little "Any time, you wanna be alone or want me to stay wit ya?... We can catch some more sleep right here if ya want" Offering the end of her shawl for him to wipe up his face. She'd stay or go depending on what is expressed. Should they stay she'd put out some energy for the plants around them to grow in such a way as to be comfortable. Comfort on the outside is good even if you feel horrible inside, or so Daina feels.
Fate
He takes up the offer, patting his tears dry. "No thanks. I'm gonna try going back to bed." At that, he slowly eases from Daina's hug to rise in order to head off back to the camp.
Daina
Daina smiles a little "kay" letting him go and stretching a little as she rises. "Going for a run, don't let anyone panic if they notice me gone please" she smiles and woofs for a bit.
Daina
~later that night~
Slavina
Sleep has been a capricious friend for the last few weeks, and tonight she's spurning Slavina. She gave up on lying motionless some time after Kelly's return, and is in the process of finding out if physical exhaustion will let her sleep.
Moonlight breaks through the clouds and glimmers in trickles across Slavina's bare, tattooed torso. Not entirely bare, of course - that might not go over well if one of the caravan workers were to see (or go over a little too well) - she's kept on her shift and drawers. She moves through an old, familiar training routine: various slow-motion acrobatics and stretches that require a lot of effort but not much noise.
Daina
Daina had just returned to a human shape and spots Slavina doing stretches on her way back to the camp. It was still very early yet for waking up. Announcing her presence with unquieted steps as she gives a wave to the limber lady. Whispering "up early or up late?" a small turn of lips that can pass for a smile perhaps.
Slavina
The question doesn't exactly startle Slavina, but her concentration drifts just enough that she forgets not to turn her head. Her balance shifts with the movement, and the arm supporting her handstand is no longer in quite the right position for that task. She wobbles for a moment as she tries to restabilize before allowing herself to roll out of the pose and onto her back. She lies there for a moment, panting, before she has the breath to talk again.
"Yes." She replies, drier than a bucket at midsummer. "You?"
Daina
Daina winces a little but also chuckles. "Something like that I guess." flopping down on the grass near Slavina's head but as usual Daina flopping isn't exactly like anyone else's. She settles and glances over as she draws her legs up to her chest. She hesitates a moment. "You... don't really sleep much... you know Arren could fix that for you... even I could probably take a crack at it... if you wanted..."
Slavina
Slavina fishes out a hankerchief from her pocket and dabs some of the sweat off her face. "Sometimes, I guess. The rest of the time I sleep way too much. Maybe it balances out?" She offers, half-hoping half-pleading.
Daina
Daina shrugs a little "I don't think so for normal people but ... you're not normal so maybe it does?" she smiles some. "I sort of like sleeping... dreams are nice" she murmurs as she looks out towards the wilderness. She pauses and reaches into her pouch, taking out a doobie and sparking it up. She offers it to Slavina as she exhales upwards into the night.
Slavina
"Yeah, I like sleeping too. Usually. It beats being awake, anyway." She stares at the joint for a long time indecisively, then takes a hit and offers it back to Daina. Once the smoke has dissolved into nothingness, she asks, "So if you like sleeping, why're you out here with us sleepless sad-sacks?"
Daina
Daina smiles a little and accepts the joint back. "Hmmn oh cause... well part of my pack is injured... I thought I could help him" she murmurs sounding a bit... despondent. "I guess... at least he got some of it out" she figures she doesn't need to name the person in question as it's rather obvious.
Slavina
"You were talking to him about it?" It's a neutral just-curious kind of question.
Daina
Daina frowns "Sort of... more like... his feelings about it I guess" she takes a drag and offers it back.
Slavina
She shakes her head and holds up a hand to turn it down. "Any more and I'll go between. Thanks though." Slavina half opens one eye and peeks out at Daina from under the lid. She closes it again after a moment.
"I have a friend in Bakersfield I've known since I was little. Brian. I think Aaren mentioned him to you? He did these gorgeous dance-paintings in Old Town. When the painter's union cut his hand off he was completely devastated. Not only because it hurt or because he might not be able to paint again, but because someone took something from him that was so intrinsic he didn't even know he'd had it until it was gone." She stops, letting the not-quite-silence of the forest take over for a moment.
She continues the story after the crickets give her enough time to catch her breath. The raspy velvet of her whisper has a practiced, mesmerising cadence to it that is too measured to match the tears on her cheeks. "I didn't know what to do, of course - it was terrifying and confusing. I just kept showing up when I could. Recited poems for him. Talked. For the most part unless he wanted otherwise I pretended everything was the same as it had been before." She shrugs, rustling the grass. "He got better. Not the same, maybe not as good as before, but better. It just... it takes time. A long time. I think Kelly will need a long time too."
Daina
Daina glances over and listens as Slavina speaks allowing the resonance to sooth her slightly despite the drama of the story. Nodding her head slightly when she thinks it's needed and then sighing a little. "Sounds sort of like what I was thinking... I just wish it didn't have to be so long... well I guess if I was going to wish though it would be that it never happened." she murmurs as she takes another pull on the joint and makes little smoke rings that slowly spread and grow. "I guess... I'll just try and be there..." shakes her head slightly. "I can't imagine how people do such things..."
Slavina
"You mean the people who hurt him?" She asks.
Daina
Daina nods her head a little bit. "yeah... "
Slavina
Slavina slowly rolls her way off the ground, wincing a bit at the soreness that's starting to take hold of her muscles. She shivers a little now that the workout-heat is gone, and reaches for the shirt on top of her clothes pile. "You've never wanted to hurt anyone?" She says, shirt over head muffling her voice a little.
Daina
Daina pauses "I have but... not like that... not ... for those sorts of reasons... and I didn't do it even if the thought crossed my mind." she radiates out her warmth a little further when Slavina shivers.
Slavina
Slavina inches a little closer to Daina as she pulls her layers back on. Not that it's actually cold out—just a cool summer night. She leaves her top blouse unlaced while she slides bracelets back onto her arms one at a time. "Sorry. I wasn't trying to imply you would."
Daina
Daina shrugs "If it came to my pack or someone else I might... " she frowns "but I wouldn't... not the way they did to Kelly and Ilver ... that was ... well ... you saw them"...
Slavina
After all her jewelry is back in place Slavina leans against Daina and looks out at the forest. "Yeah." She sinks a little with the heaviness of the word. "Ilvers didn't look too bad, but they gave a show with Kelly."
Daina
Daina heaves a sigh and her eyes close. "Yeah... and he seems to feel like... he's weak for wanting to go home." she shakes her head. "He thinks he's been useless on the trip but I don't think so." she pauses "I'm pretty sure he saved your bacon on that boat but he said you'd already caught yourself" a slight shrug of her shoulders so as not to jostle Slavina too much. "I want him on the trip but I more so want him to get better... and if that means going then he should... and not feel bad about it either... you know?
Slavina
Slavina nods (sideways, so her chin won't jab Daina's shoulder). She stays quiet, not having anything to add to Daina's analysis of the situation. After a while she asks Daina, "What do you like about having him around?"
Daina
Daina hums a little. "Well he's like a brother for one so having more pack around is nice on it's own... but also he can see things we might miss." Her brow furrowing some. "He's quick to jump in to help and that's a good person to have around you know?"
Slavina
Slavina takes a breath to ask more, but lets it out in a sigh with the question unasked. "Sorry. I shouldn't do this, should I?" There's a plaintive, confused undertone to her voice, directed not quite to Daina, not quite to the world at large.
Daina
Daina glances over and her brow furrows a touch. "Sorry... shouldn't do what?" she questions uncertainly.
Slavina
"Poetry."
Daina
She frowns a little "Eh... why not?" frowning "doesn't it feel right?" pausing "why don't you ask the spirits, it's their rule after all right? ... or is it purely cultural?"
Slavina
She curls her feet up under her and tucks her skirt in around them—more to give herself a second to understand the question than to actually warm her feet. "The spirits don't make rules. It's... about attuning yourself to different aspects of the duality and balance of the world." Slavina speaks slowly and carefully, setting each word down like tiles in a mosaic. It's not complete yet, but she pauses to look at Daina and see where to go next.
Daina
Daina hmms a little and then smiles "I can see what you mean but... aren't we all dualities within ourselves? I've got things about me that are ya know... light and dark, male and female, though I guess I do ignore the male a goodly bit... but point being if you align yourself to a balance isn't that just as good?"
Slavina
"I don't know." Slavina shifts again somewhat, bringing her knees to her chest. "Probably for some people. Liudzi strive for balance in a family, not in individuals." She decides not to follow that particular branch any farther. "For the best luck, the best success, your spirit needs to be in tune with your actions. Poetry and wayfinding require opposed chords."
Daina
Daina pauses and bites her lower lip. "I ... well ... you're in a new family now right... with us... so if we're all a mixture then maybe your balance can balance us all as a group, with your mixture... you know?"
Slavina
A ripple of tension goes through her, then Slavina deliberately releases it one muscle at a time. "Maybe." She swallows. "I just don't know which rules are still important. For a while I ignored them all and that was... bad. But I guess following them all didn't work either."
Daina
Daina takes a slow deep breath and then another, smoothing her warmth having it as a steady flow more than a slow pulse and letting her own muscles slowly ease. Shared tension is a thing so maybe the more she relaxes and is at peace the more Slavina can find some of the same. "I know I'm not the best about understand your customs but if you need help with the path that you choose for yourself... if there is anything I can do... just lemme know ok?"
Slavina
"You've got a lot in your bowl between the two of us, are you sure you can finish it all?" It's a solid attempt at joviality, anyway.
Daina
Daina chuckles a little bit and rests a hand over her middle. "well the biggest portion I've got is frozen right now so I have to have somethin' to hold me over right?" playfully makes a half hearted omnom towards Slavina's shoulder or whatever is closest.
Slavina
Slavina swaps routes mentally to get into a proper hometown-direct communication style. It's more of a push than usual, but she gets there. "Are you doing okay? After everything in the basement?"
Daina
Daina purses her lips a little and it's her turn to tense up. "I... am better than Kelly right now... and after ... after thinking about it all... I'd change it if I could... but I can't." her nose scrunches up a little. "Besides... that ... maybe that death saved others from the same sort of treatment... at least that's what I'll hope."
Slavina
Slavina nods. "If you need anything let me know. I'm not... I know Aaren's probably a better bet, but I'll do my best."
Daina
Daina smiles a little "thanks ... I appreciate that... and hey I might look to ya... Aaren is... she's a good sister and she's there for me, but she also has a lot going on in her own head most of the time... especially with the healing and now this mission in place of being a priest for the moment." she looks down a little and sighs "really I don't guess anyone is ... a better bet... just depends on whatcha need right?" she smiles some "like if you want someone growled at that'd be me but if you want someone charmed that'd be you."
Slavina
"Hey, I can growl if I want to." Slavina puts on a light air of fake-indignant. "You did talk to Frankie, right?"
Daina
Daina chuckles a little "I bet you can but I can do it with wolf teeth" she hmms softly "about his method of subduing? yeah... ... yup... though I wonder if it was Frankie or Babushka herself... being that he was shot and all..."
Slavina
"Shot?" Slavina's eyebrows pull together. "I don't understand. There was no arrow."
Daina
Daina pauses "Oh Babushka with the smoking mouth has a thing called a gun..." she frowns "that's not a thing here is it..." upon reflection she can't recall having seen one... it made sense in home town but she'd assumed they were somewhere on Earth.
Slavina
"Ah. Well, that solves a long-standing debate. I'll have to put that in my next letter to Krissy." She sits up straight with a tiny grunt and rubs a hand over her shoulder. "The priests in Bakersfield argue a lot about the translation of the word 'gun.' Some of them say it's an archaic word for something we have, like a bow or a spear-thrower or something. Other say it's some old-world relic of the gods that never passed into the new world."
Daina
Daina frowns a little and holds up her hand as a halting motion. "Please don't... let them keep wondering... " she frowns "people can do enough to each other with spear throwers and bows. If it's up for debate then they are that much farther from trying to figure out how to make something like it... you get what I mean?"
Slavina
Slavina regards Diana, letting her confusion show fully. "Make it? But Dainochka... it's a thing of the gods. Like lightning or the sun. Humans can't just go out and make them!" Almost as an afterthough, she whispers, "what does a gun look like?"
Daina
She rubs the back of her neck. "I just don't trust humans to not figure something out or even something like it ... it's ... too effective a tool and ... " she hesitates "if you promise not to tell..."
Slavina
She chews her bottom lip and looks at the ground while she thinks about that. "I'll only use it to make more evocative metaphors, not to describe it's appearance directly. Unless La Dama requires me to tell someone."
Daina
Daina hmms "maybe then I shouldn't say so you won't be put in a position that La Dama would want you to tell... if Tia wants me to tell you, so you can tell someone then she can send me a sign, ok?"
Slavina
Slavina sighs, but doesn't push. No matter how curious she is.
Daina
Daina smiles a little bit and offers a hug by opening her arms. "I saw it used... twice now... it's ... scary... I'm sorry I would tell you if it was something else... " she offers "anything else you wanna know about?" smiling uncertainly.
Slavina
"Have you seen her eyes?"
Daina
Blinks a few times "like...when she shot someone or just... ever?"
Slavina
"Is there a difference?"
Daina
Daina shrugs "there might be... I sort of was looking at Coyote when he got shot so I didn't see..."
Slavina
Slavina nods. "Then... whatever of her eyes you saw. Ulfynja's eyes are well-sung." She uses the liudzi phrase, meaning they show up in many performances with symbolic importance.
Daina
Daina hums softly and closes her eyes trying to think back that far. It takes a moment as she wants to get it as 'right' as she can since it seems important. "well they... are always behind the smoke ... but from behind it it... her eyes ... don't ... say much usually but sometimes... ... now and then she smiles and it shows up there... special times." she nods a little and opens her eyes with a smile on her features and her eyes welling up a little. "heh sorry" she sort of scrubs at her eyes with her arm and clears her throat.
Slavina
Slavina puts an arm around Daina's shoulders. "It's okay. You don't have to talk about them. I wouldn't want to if it were me."
Daina
smiles some "No ... I want to ... it's I don't want to forget what I do remember... " she sighs a little and leans into Slavina's side. "I just hope I still... can be part of the family when I go back... " she frowns a little "My sister and brother seem so ... different to me... and I'm so different... I might not... fit in anymore" she whispers with a real fear.
Slavina
Slavina pulls Daina in close and runs a hand over her hair. She hums a soothing lullabye-type song while the younger woman speaks. "It can't be the same, Dainochka. You know that. You remember your family through child's eyes but you're not a child anymore." She lowers her hand into the hug so she's wrapped around Daina the whole way.
"It's okay, though. It's okay, little flower. Even if they're strangers to you now they can be a family again. You'll join them as a grown woman in the fullness of your years, and they can twist your blossoms into their wreath even if they didn't grow the vine." Her voice takes on the deep, soothing, velvet quality of a starless night or a still, dark pool.
Daina
Daina grimaces faintly and her body stiffens up as she realizes that's true, it can't be the same... she'd known in a way of course but... all her life despite everything else her focus was do her duty so she can go home... to her family ... to the life she left behind.
Those things were all gone now... including the little girl who knew them. She sets her jaw slightly and frowns "What am I even doing any of this for then... I wanted to do what the universe wanted so I can have my family back but I'll never get them back... so I do this what... just because the universe said I have to... " she states the last and her brow furrows and she sort of withdraws from the hug, not in an angry way or anything.
"This is bullshit... really is..." she murmurs as she looks down at her hands. "I should never have talked to Aspen ... I could have stayed home with my Mom and Bogulya and the rest of my family. Instead I'm going to go back a stranger to meet my own family all over again... I'll never be part of them like I was... "
Slavina
Slavina acknowledges the truth of it with her silence. She lets Daina go, and folds in on herself with her arms wrapped around her middle. She presses her eyes closed and shakes her head left to right once, slowly. The velvet in her voice turns to sandpaper. "I'm sorry, Dainochka."
Daina
Daina sighs softly rubs her hands over her face in a scrubbing motion. "Bah I'm going for another run." ... pausing "maybe we can talk more about my family another time,..." not wanting to close the door to that.
At the moment she needs space... to be alone... to cry and feel and be angry. She hops up to her feet and pauses a moment before bending down to a squat and peering into Slavina's face.
"Unless... do you need me... or company or a hug..." not wanting to just abandon Slavina when she'd meant to help her feel better and off help. It's clear though through her tense frame and even the turn of her feet and torso that she's quite ready to dash off.
Slavina
"No, I'm fine. Go ahead." Slavina raises her head enough to give Daina a small smile.
Daina
Daina smiles a bit and squeezes Slavina's shoulder. "See you in the morning, try and sleep" she studies Slavina searching for the lie in the smile... she wanted to know the truth even if she wasn't in a place to refute it at the moment.
Then she's gone and sprinting towards the woods as a wolf, smoke and soon fire trailing after her yet not burning the ground she passes.